emotionally retarded

This week has been strange.

I think God is definitely working on me. I’ve told before about how God is humbling me and that I feel Him working. Being humbled is not really fun. It’s embarrassing actually. That has been the overwhelming emotion lately.

Today I talked with Mike about some feelings I’ve been having about ministry. He had some really good thinks to say – and made me feel not alone in some of my thoughts. I think I’m a questioner. I don’t like to say doubter, but questioner. I’ve been thinking about whether or not I’m supposed to be in ministry at all. Pretty heavy stuff for a guy that’s studying ministry at school, currently working at a church with 2 semi (or as Mike would say quasi)-important roles, and planning on attending seminary after graduation. My fear is that I would assume my way to these positions – assume that this is where God wanted me just because I found myself there. I don’t want to do that. It brings about strange emotions that I’m not quite sure I can express. It’s sort of a yearn for intimacy with God like I’ve never had mixed with humility and introvertedness (I’m not sure if those are necessarily emotions, but whatever they are that’s what I’m feeling).

Also, one of my good friend’s dad just died tonight. I’m not quite sure how to deal with that either. I think I’m emotionally retarded. When I found out about his death, one of my first thoughts was, “I wish there was a book I could read to tell me how to react.” I am mostly just really sad for my friend. I know his dad is in heaven right now, but that doesn’t make things happy, really. Sure it makes it better.

And lastly me and whitney just got Costco cards together. That’s what married people do. That sort of brings up other, much stranger to me, emotions.

I like that journaling (I prefer journaling to blogging) gives me freedom to just say what I think, even if it’s wrong or insensitive. It’s just me. Plus I think only Mike reads these anyway - and he knows me pretty well.